Monday, December 22, 2008

Just babbling

At the end of this week, I am celebrating Christmas with my family. My mom's side of family is celebrating Christmas this Saturday. TRUTHFULLY, I have been trying to get of going. Its not that I really don't like my family its just .... complicated.

I could start at the begining but the begining was great! Even the middle was okay. Its just the present that I really don't like! Am I the only one that feels this way? Okay I made a promise to myself that I would be honest on my blog, so here it goes.

The real reason why I don't want to go this Saturday is because I feel like everybody is judging me. That I don't fit in. I know I shouldn't feel this way or anything but I do. And I don't really know how to fix it! I don't think my parents would understand why I really wouldn't like to go. They would think I am just making up an excuse to not be there.

It just feels weird being there. Everybody is looking at me! I'm not married, not dating, haven't finished college, working at a low-paying job, and is pretty pitful! In my mom's side of family you really have to be someone to fit in. It feels all my life that I have really never fit in on that side. Well not even on my dad's side. Sometimes it seems that I don't even fit in anywhere. I can remember a time when I was in 4-H. I just won in rabbit. It seemed that it really didn't matter to some people. Don't get me wrong my parents were proud of me and my grandma. Its just some other people in my family were like, "Good job on whatever you did". Even when I got my state and american degree.

I know one of the problems is that I can't keep my mouth shut. I do wish that my family would be able to speak about everything that has happened. Nobody really talks about the "Elephant in the room". It has never really happened. I think maybe if we spoke about the "elephant" I would feel so much better.

I know I am not perfect in this world and I will never be. Its just that I wish that .........

Anyways enough about me going on and on about stupid things. I hope you guys and gals have a WONDERFUL Christmas! Remember that is the day Jesus the Christ was born. Don't forget the real reason why we celebrate Christmas. Also I thought I would mention it is the Season for Giving. Give whatever you can. It is better to give then to recieve!!!!

Merry Christmas


Ponder ...

Love ... LOVE ... love .... L O V E
Anyway you spell it, it still reads "love".

Soulmate ... SOULMATE .... soulmate ... S O U L M A T E
Anyway you spell it, it still reads "soulmate".

Is there true love out there? Are we really suppose to meet our soulmate? Is soulmate true? What does soulmate really mean? Why do we try to find our soulmate?

These questions have been going through my head A LOT lately! The reason why is:

Lately a lot of my family members and friends have been teasing me about joining "eharmony" or "" because I am single.

Truthfully, I have been thinking about being single a lot! It is weird. I am 24 years old and I am single and living with my parents. My worst nightmare has came true! I am actually that one person who can't make her own life. I feel like I am, umm that I am not really living. I mean look at me, REALLY look at me. I work at subway and go home. I really do not do anything else. I have basically given up on life and "soulmates". I used to believe in soulmates. Part of me still does but another part me is like "Hello, Elisha, wake up! Your 24 now almost 25 and you don't even have a guy." Then another part of me is like, "Well maybe if you get your life together then maybe you will meet your soulmate." I don't know anymore.

When I start thinking that I am single, I start thinking what my old Pastor Matt Dupeire said once, "God knows our plans". Well sometimes I would like to get clued in with his plans for me. I feel that everyone in my life is dating, engaged, married, pregnant, have kids, have somebody. Me .... I have nobody. I mean, YES I do have my family and friends. But what do you do when your friends have dates on the weekends, your family all has somebody with them or is TOO young to think about dating.

I used to believe that we all had soulmates. Different kind of soulmates that we would meet during our lives. There are the soulmates that are your friends and the soulmates that will be with you forever. I know I have met some soulmate friends. I know that God put some people in my life when I needed them and some people in there that became my best friends! I also know that God showed me how to love somebody with my whole heart. I also know that God will be there for me whenever I need somebody to cry to or just talk. Its just hard to look around and see a lot of people with families and somebody who they care for.

I don't know if I am fine with being single for the REST of my life but I do know that I am okay being single now. Don't get me wrong, some Friday nights when I get off work and I see a boy and girl getting ready to go out. I get jealous. Who single person doesn't? I just know that there is somebody out there for me. I just have to keep looking. Also praying to God to see what he has plans for me.


Ellie Madden